sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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