just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
