i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
my poor anus
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
