matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
