This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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