I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
