your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
