I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
