They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
