I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
