There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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