I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
