12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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