I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
