I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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