My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize