I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
FUCK WHALES
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
