There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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