I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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