hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
