So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just threw up on my dentist
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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