I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
