forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
