Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
