are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
