Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
