Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
