i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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