Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
