just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
