if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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