Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
