I think I won the penis lottery.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
