I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I understand Curling. That high.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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