I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
