Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just had sex on a roof
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
