I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
