I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You ruined the universe
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
