Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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