I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
