I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
