I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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