I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
