I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
