I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
