Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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