at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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