You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
