I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Randomize
