I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize