It's like a parade of train wrecks.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
