i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm sobbing to NWA
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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