In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
